Deja Vue

I often get lost in my thoughts and find myself remembering a completely random scent, feeling, weather, thought, phase, etc. I always try to associate the present-day thing with the memory thing and try to figure out why one reminded me of the other. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, it feels as if I'm plagued with deja vue and I can't figure out why. Today I started thinking about the random things that pop up in my head and I realized that my deja vue or random musings repeat themselves. I'm not sure if any of these things are significant, but I can't get them out of my brain, so I'll share them with you :)

I remember Christmas morning when I was 8 or 9. I got a pogo stick. I remember the weather distinctly. It was one of the first warm Christmases of my life. I remember smiling as I jumped around on my newest toy and I remember feeling like "this is the life"...actually, I remember those exact words running through my head. Someone--can't remember if it was my mom or dad-- was video taping.

Whenever I hear running water it brings me back to my old bedroom. This is the thing I miss absolutely the most in my life. At night, I used to fall asleep to the sound of the shower running in my mom's room next door. I never really found that as something comforting until I had been out of her house for a few years. When things with Matt fell apart and my mom welcomed me back into her home, I moved back into my old room. The first night my mom turned on the shower, this sudden sense of calm, safety, and security came over me. This 24 year old woman felt 5 years old again. That noise is one of the best sounds I know.

Ok, so that was only 2 things... but as I wrote them, all the significance became incredibly obvious. I guess I'm missing that sense of family, happiness, and security I felt as a kid. I smile immediately as I think of these great memories and feelings that I will soon be able to create with a family of my own =)

Family Funk

This week has been really tough for me as I've been dealing with some major hurt feelings. Someone in my family has questioned my integrity in a way that really upset me. It made me really question who I am and how I fit into my family. I consider myself to be a pretty generous person-- whenever I'm out with friends, I usually foot the bill-- and not someone who is too concerned with money. It took over a month for this issue to come out, and the only reason it did was because I confronted this family member about why they have been ignoring my texts lately. Little did I know, there was this underlying issue that I had no clue about! She thought that we got tickets for free and then turned around and charged her for them. After saying no, that's not true, she continued to question it. After showing proof that I did in fact pay for them, she apologized for questioning me and for her curiosity. My question is why wasn't that brought up the second it was an issue?

I am seriously struggling with this one because family just doesn't disappear. I can't just turn my back on the situation and never see her again, the way I could with a friend. She is my family and I WANT a relationship with her. But how? I don't feel like I owe it to anyone to have to PROOVE myself. I hate feeling the need to defend myself. Why was my integrity even in question in the first place? I live my life honestly and am not out to make a buck. Really praying for a way to find resolution in this situation as she says she is over it, I am not.