Goodbye to You

Hunter has been such a great friend over the past 8 years. We were acquaintances in high school but grew really close once I graduated. He was one of those friends that would float in and out of my life, but we always shared instant chemistry and it felt like we never skipped a beat. He died last Saturday and it's been really hard adjusting to the idea of him gone. There are alot of mixed feelings facing his death. The past 4 or 5 years, Hunter has battled a nasty addiction that has brought him down countless times. Everytime he pushed himself to sober up, he had such amazing hope and positivity. Unfortunately, addictions are alot more brutal than most of us realize. It's not as simple as saying "no" to a drug-- it's so much more. I've watched him face his demons over the past few years and he has carried such a huge weight on his shoulders knowing that he has hurt his friends and family countless times. As he struggled to maintain sobriety, his guilt was too much to bear and he took his own life. I know what the Bible says about suicide and I can only hope that the Lord has shown mercy on Hunter's broken soul. Hunter believed in God, had a relationship with Jesus, and was baptised a couple years ago. He knew of God's love for him, but his demons seemed to be too strong to let him comfortably accept that he was still wanted and forgiven.

I will always remember how huge of a heart he had. We dated for awhile when I was in college and I can honestly say that nobody has ever loved me with as much passion as he did. I felt like I was the only person alive when I was around him. We had a ton of fun together- while dating, and for years afterwards. He was amazingly talented on the drums and taught me how to play a little. We shared a passion for music and I remember countless car rides with the music blasting and just having fun together. Hunter was also hilarious. He had so many little voices and impersonations that would never cease to amaze me. It felt great to be invited into his little world every once in awhile. I remember his laughter during his dark times, too. He still loved like crazy and kept a smile on everyone else's faces.

Hunter is the first friend I have lost and it's nothing short of overwhelming. I feel such a deep sadness knowing that this isn't just one of our periods of not talking. This time it's for real and I won't ever be able to hear his voice again. I find a little relief knowing that he is not struggling with his addiction anymore and I only hope he is experiencing heaven. I picture him being bathed in sunlight standing with Jesus.

I have been plagued with dreams ever since he passed. One night I woke up 4 or 5 times and fell back to sleep all to experience yet another dream about him. The one that I find the most peace from came a few days before his funeral. In the dream, he was walking with his arm around my shoulder. We were at his funeral and there was a huge line of people waiting to go inside. I remember dropping my head and weeping while we continued walking. Finally, I looked at him and said "Look at how many people love you." I don't know if he will ever realize just how many people loved him and how special he was.

I love you, Hunter! Thank you for always putting a smile on my face. You blessed so many peoples lives and we all miss you.