I never thought I'd get pregnant. After trying for over a year and starting on infertility meds, I just doubted it was in my cards to conceive. When Jacob and I got really serious, we started discussing pregnancy, never parenting, and adoption. I knew that being a mom was a necessity for me- it's something I have wanted my entire life.
Well, surprise, surprise- here I am, 34 weeks pregnant, and so close to meeting my baby girl. Just typing out that last sentence brought tears to my eyes! I've been feeling blue the last month or so and I've been trying to hide it. I want to feel as excited as I act, and as excited as my friends and family are. I'm not sure what changed in me, but I have been fighting a bad case of the baby blues. I'm hesitant to share this on my blog because I'm definitely ashamed of my feelings. But, part of me just needs to get it out there and find a way to move forward.
I just feel so blah about everything- no excitement, no fear, no nothing. I know labor will be hard and I know parenting will be a challenge, but I don't feel FEAR. I don't feel excitement. I don't feel connected to my baby. I feel so terrible about not feeling anything. In all honesty, I'm so afraid that I am not going to love her when I meet her. What if this one thing I've been waiting so long for comes and I just don't care? What if I hate being a mom? What if I am just forced to be a mom when it's really not bringing any joy? I so desperately want to feel excited. I want to be one of those moms who talks to her baby in her belly. I wish I felt a deep connection with her already.
Maybe it's just my pregnant hormones... the tears are pouring out as I'm writing this on my lunch break at work. So, I'm obviously feeling SOMETHING!
I know what I really need to do. I need to get on my knees and start praying. I'm a firm believer that God never gives us more than we can handle. I don't think he would bless me with a pregnancy if it wasn't something I would cherish. To those handful of you who read my blog, please pray for me. Seriously struggling with this one :(
Kelly-I love you and I am on my knees next to you praying. -alanah
ReplyDeleteI know you have already had her, and this is an old post, but I am reading it out loud to Colby bawling my eyes out. And I'm thinking, "we have to pray for her!" and then Im reminded that you have already given birth. haha! But we are still praying for you anyway! I meet so many mamas who have felt this way. But the way you write, I finally understand the fear of not feeling how you want or expect to feel during pregnancy....anyway. Just wanted to share with you :) keep up the blogging, I love it!!
ReplyDeleteTiara