Calling

I was raised in a Christian home. I wore my pretty dresses to church every Sunday. I went to a private Christian school from preschool thru eighth grade. Most of my summer memories include one church camp or another. I've had highs and lows with religion and have had to take a good hard look at my beliefs over the past 5ish years.

At first, it was really difficult to determine whether I believed in God because that was how I was raised, or if I believed in God because He was present in my life and I had faith that He was my truth. I guess the answer to that is a little of both. The next toughest aspect of this was questioning the way I interpret the Bible. I don't have all the answers- and I'm not trying to. I just know what I believe in my core and I know what feels right in my soul. I believe in a loving Father who gives me freedom and will to choose Him. I don't follow a literal translation of the Bible, but I see it as the greatest reference guide to life. I am so turned off by the idea of church- for one, it just seems for conforming (yes, I guess that's the rebel in me), but mostly it just seems really fake. There is such a huge need for love and compassion in our world and the doors of a church just seem so closed off by that. I definitely see the good in church and think it's a great way to stay connected with other believers, but I still feel like there is a huge lack of acceptance and being able to truly show who you are. I'm sure this isn't true of every church, but it is true of my experiences.

I digress. Basically, I just wanted to share about where I stand with the Big Guy. Never more than these last few months have I seen Him in my life in a really big way. Not just because there are some really awesome and positive things happening in my life-- there are quite a few of those! But I am seeing Him in every little decision. I feel like my heart has expanded so much and I just feel this huge sense to LOVE on others. Skip all the verses in the Bible, the sermons at church, and the daily devotionals-- the big picture is that God calls us to love. I am so excited that I finally have this very clear picture of who He is and who He desires me to be. I may not follow a Christian lifestyle-- I still feel like church is an akward place and not somewhere I care to be, I still cuss like a sailor, and I don't give my time or money to a church-- but I do feel like I have been called to show his love and compassion to others. I am so excited about really exploring what that means outside of my little bit of life.

Oh Sweet Mary Jane

Our sweet baby girl is 20 weeks in the womb-officially halfway there! Words cannot express how excited we are to meet her and hold her for the first time. I sit here wondering whose fingers she'll have, what color her eyes will be, if she'll have a Sustacek build or a Brown build. So many teeny tiny details that God is busy preparing and we'll have the joy of discovering in 20 short weeks!

The hubs and I were busy picking baby names before we ever knew we were pregnant. We wanted to stick with the "J" tradition in his family (John, Jeff, Jacob, Joel, Jade, Julia) and we love classic names. Mary Jane is not the most modern of names, but it is the one we have fallen in love with (we will call her Jane, for short!). The rest of the world, however, is not so in love with her name. It seems that everyone has a say in it. We are constantly being encouraged to change it to something more modern like "Brooklyn" or "Janessa". People love to list baby names they think we should use. Thanks, but I do have access to baby name books, I am aware of the other names out there, and-no, I'm not interested.

are you really naming her Mary Jane?

you aren't joking? That's for real?

which hippie picked out that name?

etc., etc.

People don't seem to understand how offensive these comments are. I don't expect everyone to love her name, but I would love if they could just skip the comments and move on to the next question, like "When are you due?" Yes, we love the name Mary Jane. No, we are not naming our daughter in support of Prop 19. Yes, we are aware Mary Jane is a term for marijuana. No, we were not high when we conceived her.

I'm beginning to understand why our good friends, Tiffany and Brian, decided to keep the sex and name of their baby under wraps until its birth. Nobody has time to criticize!

Proud to Be

I must be one of the most unpopular Americans today. I'm sure of it.

While our nation was celebrating the death of a terrorist, I sat horrified, watching so many people rejoice in murder. Did Osama Bin Laden do alot of bad things? Absolutely. But I have a hard time believing that any one person is all bad. I bet he still had a family - one that is now mourning his death.

Watching the news last night, I did not hear a single reporter, analyst, or commentator say anything other than "justice has been done". Why is that our job to create justice? If he was a threat to our country, why wasn't he simply captured? There is so much hype about his body being in US hands- this is something we are bragging about! Analysts are even saying that we will probably be able to see pictures of it to prove that he is actually dead. How sad.

What happened to mercy? I believe in a God who shows endless mercy. Who says that it is not our responsibility to show justice to others, that HE will punish the sinners on judgement day.

It has already been argued with me that "we killed him the right way, though! We didn't kill any women or children. He massacred thousands of innocent people!" I'm sorry- I don't agree. A death is a death, and to me- there is nothing justified about it. I understand the "bad guy" needing to be found and off the streets, but this just doesn't sit comfortably with me.

Another thought that kills me is the thousands of people rejoicing in front of the White House. We didn't win a war - in all actuality, we probably just started one. Analysts said that Al Qaeda was not a hierarchy, but a network. Bin Laden wasn't in charge. Getting rid of him does not get rid of Al Qaeda. Killing him does not stop terrorism. It just sent a big 'F you to terrorists. And what about Pakistan's involvement? The guy was living there in a million dollar home, surrounded by barbed wire fences, two security gates with guards, and no telephone or cable service. As if the government had no idea he was there. So now what does all of this mean? I think it's scary to think about what is coming as retaliation.

Like I said, I am a very unpopular American today. You probably disagree with my thoughts. This is why I hate talking politics and religion-- there's no way to discuss my side without an opposition. But watching the news and then seeing so many of my Facebook friends rejoicing over this just makes me sick. We are a country who is celebrating death and it just doesn't seem right. I may not feel proud to be an American today, but I am Proud to Be a believer in our Lord, who calls us to show mercy to others.

We're Out of the Woods, Folks!

So happy to say that I am officially in my second trimester of pregnancy! I was so blessed with this little one to begin with that I really had no idea how long God would keep the blessings coming. My first trimester was nothing short of... well, hell. I had every symptom in the book. My morning sickness felt unbearable for weeks on end. I can't believe I still have my job after leaving work early so many days. Luckily I'm only in the office 3 days a week, but I don't want to even BEGIN to share how difficult a feat that was! But alas, I have survived. I'm well into week 13 and I am beginning to feel so much better. My energy has started to return (no more feeling like death if I don't get a nap every 5 hours) and the morning sickness is so minimal. The morning vomiting is still a daily thing because I can't seem to force food down when I first wake up, so hugging the toilet it is!
We faced quite a few obstacles in the first trimester. From low to almost non-existent progesterone levels, a gestational sac and no baby on an ultrasound, and 4 days of bed rest, I am so happy we still have a growing little baby! This second trimester will be exciting-- I can hardly wait to find out the sex. Most people are guessing girl, so it will be fun when we hear who is right!

Crazy

Isn't is crazy when you find things out about people that you would have NEVER guessed??? Some people just live these crazy secret lives-- not that it's bad-- just so strange to me that they go through these huge things in life and never share them with anyone! I have a hard time keeping secrets-- and my life is an open book. I share every emotion with a wide range of different people. Yes, I know how to keep my guard up with certain people and in certain situations, but overall, what've I got to hide? It's crazy to me that there are so many people out there who are just... opposite of me.

Update on Taxes

God is so good. I didn't end up owing $30,000 in taxes for that short sale. And on top of that, I even got a nice little return! This came at the perfect time as we're super close to our modest little wedding fund. Hoping to save enough for a mini honeymoon! Yay!

How do they do it?

Seriously... how do women work while pregnant? I feel so sick and tired ALL the time. A full day at the office has felt impossible to me (I've only been able to pull of one of them in the last 3 weeks). Thanks to some meds, the nausea isn't too bad while I'm here, but the exhaustion is just too much. I can easily take 4 naps a day, so pulling off nine hours in the office without one is not good. I can't wait to hit that 12-week mark for a couple reasons:
1. My chances of having a miscarriage after 12 weeks is so small, compared to those first few months.
2. My morning sickness is supposed to ease up.
3. Some of my energy should return!

Praying to God that these next 4 weeks pass quickly and that I find a way to keep my butt at work!