Up and Away

I consider myself completely blessed- life is good. I was lucky enough to marry my best friend. That's a pretty common statement married couples make, because when you date someone, they usually become your best friend-- and that is a key component in a good marriage! But I consider myself a little *extra* lucky because Jacob was my best friend even before we started dating. It's all very "Dawson's Creek". I didn't need to date him very long to realize that he was exactly what I'd been searching for. I had fallen in love before, but I had never experienced that compatibility Jacob and I share. Anyone who knows Jacob can quickly rattle off all of his great traits: huge heart, great sense of humor, and a relaxed walk through life that becomes contagious.

Today I found myself remembering April 2nd and the song that inspired our wedding day. Here are a couple lines:

Everyday, everyday with you

Every little thing you do the way you do

Little darlin' in your eyes

Got me all up and away

You get me high

I saw you there, since then everyday

It's like I'm lost and thinking of you in every way

Since I fell into your eyes

All I know is that you get me high

You get me high

Office Facelift

I have worked in this office for over a year and the most personal touch I've added has been my pens from home. I don't spend very much time here (especially now that I'm part time- I'm only here one day a week!), but it's enough to merit some "me" in here. Afterall, I've got a private office with a door and I'm the only one to ever sit at this desk!
Today was my first day of work at the office (not counting a quick trip here last week to get re-acquainted) in over 14 weeks. Wow- it didn't feel that long! First on my to-do list today was re-vamp the office a bit. I came prepared with a couple picture frames and a few photos to thumb through. I found two of my favorites: one of Jane and one of Jake and I on our wedding day. Life would definitely not feel as whole without these two great loves of mine. I felt like my desk had a total facelift by simply adding two frames-- why didn't I do this sooner? But I took it a little further and added 4 photos to my bulletin board. I now have a constant reminder why I'm here: providing for my little family in my own small way.
I thought it would be really difficult leaving Jane, but today has felt really refreshing. I have a different sense of purpose and responsibility when I'm here and that is a nice change. It also gives me some me-time to catch up on e-mails. I'm very blessed to be able to work part time and I am so grateful for this little office of my own. I think next I will spend a little money on some desk accessories. My desk is currently home to some obviously used and abused items like my pen jar and paperclip holder. Little touches will make this space all the more appealing (since I can't do anything about the aged computer and ugly furniture!). Here is a glimpse of my office:

Jane: 2 Months

Our sweet baby girl is 2 months old! Time is flying by and we are enjoying her precious life more and more each day. Here's what we're experiencing now:

Age: 9 weeks

Weight: 13 pounds, 4 ounces

Eating habits: Still nursing every 2 hours during the day, but gives her Mama a break at night, with feedings every 3-5 hours

Sleeping habits: Jane is awake more during the day at 2 months. She naps a lot from about 10am til 2pm and is awake until 8pm. We have trouble waking her up anytime after 8 and she normally gives us a big stretch of sleep until 2 or 3 am (then wakes up every 2 hours or so).

Development: Her little personality is shining now! Jane is full of smiles and coos =) She is happiest first thing in the morning and the girl does NOT hold back the smiles! She is talking back, learning how to converse with us. Jane is super strong and does a great job during tummy time (it was a bit of a challenge for her a few short weeks ago!).

Favorite things to do: Her favorite hang out is still the changing pad. She loves to smile and enjoys being held by family. She especially loves her time with Grumpaw-- the girl has her first crush! Jane is a pacifier baby- it's pretty rare to see her without her favorite pink paci in her mouth! She also loves mommy and daddy a lot! We are all smiles whenever she looks our way.

Jane had her 2 month visit with the pediatrician this morning and is right on track! She is in the 95th percentile for weight, so it's obvious our girl is eating well. She had 5 shots today with a total of 6 immunizations and she took it like a champ. I cried more than she did! Baby girl is the biggest blessing in our lives. This month we've been very busy enjoying family and friends and showing off our bundle of love. For Jane's first Thanksgiving, we had some family time alone in the morning and then headed off to Aunt Bubu's for a late lunch with the Sustacek clan. After, we spent time with the Brown side of the fam at Aunt Jody's. The celebration continued on Sunday with lunch with my Dad, Jeanine, and the Fedlers. The holidays are so much more fun with a little one around!

Jane: 1 Month

Wow- I can't believe a month has already flown by! Our precious baby girl is growing so quickly and we are enjoying every second! Here's what we're experiencing this month:

Age: 5 weeks

Weight: Somewhere around 10 pounds (oh yeah- the girl can eat!)

Eating habits: Nurses every 2 hours, like clock-work!

Sleeping habits: Jane naps throughout the day, but stays alert and active quite a bit. She is a great sleeper at night! She is starting to sleep in 3-4 hours periods, which is great for Mom and Dad!

Development: We are seeing her first real smiles! There are a few special things that get a smile almost every time and then she surprises us every once in awhile with a big grin for no reason!

Favorite things to do: Believe it or not, her changing pad seems to be her favorite spot, other than Mom or Dads chest. She kicks her legs around and stares at the ceiling, coo-ing for really long periods of time! Whenever she gets fussy, we give her a quick diaper change and let her entertain herself for awhile.

We are loving this time with our baby girl. She makes us laugh all the time-- whether it's a huge fart, or the way she rubs her face back and forth on our chests when she wakes up, she's constantly keeping a smile on our faces.

Mary Jane's Birth Story

Our sweet baby girl was due to arrive on September 20th, a birthday she would share with her Daddy and Grandma Angie. So much anticipation led up to that day and when it came and went with no baby Jane, I was as anxious as ever to meet her. I followed a textbook labor story. I never felt Braxton Hicks contractions throughout my pregnancy, but once I hit about 39 weeks, they made their debut. I didn't feel them often and they mostly came in the form of crampiness and lower back pain. I lost my mucous plug 2 weeks before delivery, as well.

I woke up around 5am on September 26th with that same menstrual-like crampiness I had been experiencing periodically. The thought crossed my mind that "this could be it!" but I fell back asleep shortly after. I woke up an hour later and contractions were coming every 8-10 minutes. It was an exciting time for me as I knew today would be the day. I tracked how often the contractions were coming for a few hours. After cleaning up around the house and taking a shower, they were 5 minutes apart and lasting what I thought was only about 20 seconds. When I really started timing them, I realized they were lasting about a minute each, which meant it was time to go to the hospital! I spent a lot of time during the last few weeks of my pregnancy praying that God would calm me. I have severe anxiety about a lot of things and the few times I thought I might be going into labor, I felt terribly sick to my stomach and started to panic. I prayed that when the time finally came, God would give me a peace about it and not let me start freaking out. He was faithful-- that entire morning was both exciting and relaxing, but never did I feel that anxiety creep up.

Jacob and I packed up the car and headed to the hospital around 11am. 10 days earlier, my OB did a cervical exam and I was already 3cm dilated. Having never felt any contractions getting me to those 3 cm, I was convinced that by the time I actually started feeling contractions, I would be showing up at the hospital dilated to at a 5 or 6. To my dismay, I was only 4 cm dilated when I showed up, but because my contractions were definitely coming every 5 minutes, I was admitted.

Our labor room was great- so spacious with lots of room to walk around, a rocking chair, and a great view. We spent the next 7 hours with mild contractions (I was convinced for awhile that I was one of those lucky few who don't feel the pain of contractions!). Around 6pm, I got started on Pitocin to speed things up. I was taking the highest dosage and that got my contractions to about every 3 minutes. The doctor finally arrived around 7pm to break my water. The bed was prepped and he was waiting with the needle in hand and as I made my way to the bed, my water broke on its own! Within seconds of my water breaking, I TRULY felt the labor pains. I was in so much pain that it was difficult to breathe through contractions, let alone talk! So much for all those breathing techniques I learned in childbirth class- it was all I could do to even allow myself to exhale during a contraction! After contracting like that for an hour, I got my epidural. I'm not quite sure how anyone goes through labor without one! I was really hoping I could be strong enough to do it without one, but at the end of the day, a healthy baby was my only goal.

The epidural brought instant relief. The doctor performed a cervical exam and I had dilated from 5cm to 9cm in less than an hour! I was very excited to hear the nurses say it was almost time to start pushing. My epidural had begun to wear off so they administered a "bump" through the catheter. Unfortunately, this did not stop the pain and even made me sick. I spent the next couple hours in and out of sleep and vomitting pretty regularly. Next thing I know, there are 3 nurses rushing into the labor room and I am getting a shot in my arm. They are so quick with their responses that I had no idea what was even going on until it had ended. When my water broke, my body released all the hormones that cause contractions, so that mixed with the Pitocin caused me to contract back to back with little break. This caused the baby's heart rate to drop significantly enough for the nurses to need to slow down labor. The next few hours were a bit of a blur, but at midnight the doctor came in and checked me and I was still only 9cm and 90% effaced. He said I should have delivered the baby hours ago and that if I didn't make anymore progress by 1am, I would need a c-section. MY BIGGEST FEAR! Throughout my pregnancy, the one thing I feared was going through hours and hours of labor and then needing a c-section. Here I was, facing that dreaded outcome, but I welcomed the idea at this point. I knew if I happened to progress to 10cm, I wouldn't have enough energy to push. At 1am, the doctor came back and checked me and I still had made no progress. He deemed the labor "failure to progress" and started directing the nurses to prep for a c-section.

As I was wheeled in the Operating Room, I felt scared and exhausted. Luckily before getting too anxious, I saw Jacob walk in the OR in his scrubs and that brought so much relief. I don't know what I would've done without his support. He was so encouraging and understanding throughout my labor and when the c-section started, he was so calm and sensitive with me. It felt like only a couple minutes later when I heard the doctor say "OK Dad, get your camera ready" and they dropped the curtain in front of me. Jacob stood up with his camera to capture Jane's arrival as the doctor pulled her from my belly. The anesthesiologist lifted my head so I could see her at the same time, but unfortunately, I felt the need to vomit again so I missed it. Jane was born at 1:41 am. I spent the next 10 minutes or so transitioning from vomitting to crying as I could hear the sweet cries of my precious baby girl so close by. I listened to the nurses and Jacob interacting with Jane and my heart felt so full already. They announced her birth weight of 8 pounds, 8 ounces and the doctor immediately shouted "I call a re-weigh! That baby weighs way more than that!" The scale didn't lie, our little chunky was indeed 8 lbs, 8 ounces. She was 20 inches long and had a full head of beautiful curly dark brown hair!

Once the surgery was over and I was back in the labor room, I got to spend some quality time with my new family. I remember holding Jane and looking back and forth between her and Jacob and being completely overwhelmed with love for all of us. It was an indescribable feeling. Jane breastfed and latched on perfectly without any hesitation and it seems like she hasn't stopped since! She seriously seems to surprise us with just how perfect she is... she scored an 8 and 9 on her APGARs, she passed her hearing test, was totally cleared of jaundice, latches on and sucks perfectly, and seems to be so well-mannered already! We are truly blessed with this little girl.

It is amazing to simply watch her sleep. The few hours she spends awake, Jacob and I just stare in awe at her bright eyes full of curiosity. We have been home with her for 5 days now (we were discharged from the hospital after 2 nights rather than the required 4 because my c-section was healing so well and I was feeling such little pain). Every day and night has gotten better and better with Jane falling into a great schedule already. She is eating... ALOT! I am nursing her every one to two hours. She is a quick eater, only nursing for about 10 minutes at a time. If she spent anymore time than that, I think I'd be more than overwhelmed with a feeding every hour! Today was her first visit with the pediatrician and she has already gained all her weight back - and then some! Our little chunky is already 8 pounds, 11 ounces and the doctor was SO pleased with her growth.

I am so in love. My life feels so complete with this little family of love. Jacob is the greatest Dad ever- he is so involved with everything we do! He helps with breastfeeding, changing clothes, swaddling, and can you believe it-- I still haven't changed a single diaper!!! We have so many things to look forward to with this little love bug in our lives. So many people already love her like crazy and we feel so blessed that she has brought so much joy to our lives!

Welcome to the world, Mary Jane! You have exceeded all our hopes and expectations and we are madly in love with you!

Mary Jane Melisa Sustacek

September 27, 2011

1:41 am

8 lbs, 8 oz

20 inches long

Perfect.

Goodbye Mary Jane

My sweet little girl, it is time for me to say goodbye to you as you introduce yourself to the world. You’ve been growing inside of me for nine months and I just know I am going to miss this special time we’ve shared. Being pregnant has been no walk in the park, but it is something I have always wanted and feared I might never experience. I was more than ecstatic when that little stick read “Pregnant” the first time. Your dad was at work so I had nobody to share the news with. I just kept pacing the house saying “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!” I have zero patience with secrets so as soon as he came home from work, he had a box to unwrap and inside was that first little glimpse he had of being a dad- my positive pregnancy test!

The first few weeks brought a few challenges: at our first doctor’s appointment, the ultrasound only showed a gestational sac, but no sign of baby. We were heart-broken to say the least, but the doctor sent me to get some bloodwork done and had me come back to his office a couple weeks later to see if anything had progressed. We were scared and stressed, but hopeful that God had a little baby cooking inside of me. We got an ultrasound on January 26^th and saw the first signs of you. We could not have been happier! There were quite a few challenges the first few months of pregnancy and I always feared losing you. Once we entered the second trimester, I started feeling a lot better and began to let myself get used to the idea of you sticking around.

Your daddy and I had a feeling you were a little girl from the very beginning so we were filled with so much joy when an ultrasound confirmed that! We spent many days shopping for cute outfits for you and fun things for your nursery. We talk about you all the time and we are so anxious to hold you for the first time. We have taken a lot of classes to prepare for you and we are pouring so much love into your little nursery. I am so grateful that we’ve been able to spend this time together. I have felt so much joy from your little kicks and you rolling around—something your dad loves to watch, but only I get to really experience it! I am so anxious to see you- I just know you are going to be perfect and beautiful! This past month has allowed me to totally fall in love with you and prepare myself for my world to be completely rocked. I have so many fears of being a parent… there are so many things I am going to mess up! But I know that I already have so much love for you and I can only imagine how much stronger that is going to grow when we meet.

You could be coming any day now. I’m due in 3 weeks, but I have a feeling you’re coming early. As I enjoy this last bit of time with you to myself, there are a few things I want you to know. You are so loved already. Your daddy already has such a huge, kind heart, but watching him talk about you is something special. I can’t wait to see him hold you and love on you. I want you to know how much I wanted you. We go our entire lives hearing people say they love us and that we mean so much to them. But even more than that, I want you to know just how wanted you are. Getting pregnant was such a HUGE blessing and I am still in awe that we made it this far. I have wanted to be a mommy for as long as I can remember and spent so much time crying out to God asking for a little baby. I am so grateful for His timing because you were given to us at a perfect time. I love you so much and am so excited to start this little family of ours!

See you soon,

Your Mom =)

Baby Blues

I never thought I'd get pregnant. After trying for over a year and starting on infertility meds, I just doubted it was in my cards to conceive. When Jacob and I got really serious, we started discussing pregnancy, never parenting, and adoption. I knew that being a mom was a necessity for me- it's something I have wanted my entire life.
Well, surprise, surprise- here I am, 34 weeks pregnant, and so close to meeting my baby girl. Just typing out that last sentence brought tears to my eyes! I've been feeling blue the last month or so and I've been trying to hide it. I want to feel as excited as I act, and as excited as my friends and family are. I'm not sure what changed in me, but I have been fighting a bad case of the baby blues. I'm hesitant to share this on my blog because I'm definitely ashamed of my feelings. But, part of me just needs to get it out there and find a way to move forward.
I just feel so blah about everything- no excitement, no fear, no nothing. I know labor will be hard and I know parenting will be a challenge, but I don't feel FEAR. I don't feel excitement. I don't feel connected to my baby. I feel so terrible about not feeling anything. In all honesty, I'm so afraid that I am not going to love her when I meet her. What if this one thing I've been waiting so long for comes and I just don't care? What if I hate being a mom? What if I am just forced to be a mom when it's really not bringing any joy? I so desperately want to feel excited. I want to be one of those moms who talks to her baby in her belly. I wish I felt a deep connection with her already.

Maybe it's just my pregnant hormones... the tears are pouring out as I'm writing this on my lunch break at work. So, I'm obviously feeling SOMETHING!

I know what I really need to do. I need to get on my knees and start praying. I'm a firm believer that God never gives us more than we can handle. I don't think he would bless me with a pregnancy if it wasn't something I would cherish. To those handful of you who read my blog, please pray for me. Seriously struggling with this one :(