Goodbye Mary Jane

My sweet little girl, it is time for me to say goodbye to you as you introduce yourself to the world. You’ve been growing inside of me for nine months and I just know I am going to miss this special time we’ve shared. Being pregnant has been no walk in the park, but it is something I have always wanted and feared I might never experience. I was more than ecstatic when that little stick read “Pregnant” the first time. Your dad was at work so I had nobody to share the news with. I just kept pacing the house saying “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!” I have zero patience with secrets so as soon as he came home from work, he had a box to unwrap and inside was that first little glimpse he had of being a dad- my positive pregnancy test!

The first few weeks brought a few challenges: at our first doctor’s appointment, the ultrasound only showed a gestational sac, but no sign of baby. We were heart-broken to say the least, but the doctor sent me to get some bloodwork done and had me come back to his office a couple weeks later to see if anything had progressed. We were scared and stressed, but hopeful that God had a little baby cooking inside of me. We got an ultrasound on January 26^th and saw the first signs of you. We could not have been happier! There were quite a few challenges the first few months of pregnancy and I always feared losing you. Once we entered the second trimester, I started feeling a lot better and began to let myself get used to the idea of you sticking around.

Your daddy and I had a feeling you were a little girl from the very beginning so we were filled with so much joy when an ultrasound confirmed that! We spent many days shopping for cute outfits for you and fun things for your nursery. We talk about you all the time and we are so anxious to hold you for the first time. We have taken a lot of classes to prepare for you and we are pouring so much love into your little nursery. I am so grateful that we’ve been able to spend this time together. I have felt so much joy from your little kicks and you rolling around—something your dad loves to watch, but only I get to really experience it! I am so anxious to see you- I just know you are going to be perfect and beautiful! This past month has allowed me to totally fall in love with you and prepare myself for my world to be completely rocked. I have so many fears of being a parent… there are so many things I am going to mess up! But I know that I already have so much love for you and I can only imagine how much stronger that is going to grow when we meet.

You could be coming any day now. I’m due in 3 weeks, but I have a feeling you’re coming early. As I enjoy this last bit of time with you to myself, there are a few things I want you to know. You are so loved already. Your daddy already has such a huge, kind heart, but watching him talk about you is something special. I can’t wait to see him hold you and love on you. I want you to know how much I wanted you. We go our entire lives hearing people say they love us and that we mean so much to them. But even more than that, I want you to know just how wanted you are. Getting pregnant was such a HUGE blessing and I am still in awe that we made it this far. I have wanted to be a mommy for as long as I can remember and spent so much time crying out to God asking for a little baby. I am so grateful for His timing because you were given to us at a perfect time. I love you so much and am so excited to start this little family of ours!

See you soon,

Your Mom =)

Baby Blues

I never thought I'd get pregnant. After trying for over a year and starting on infertility meds, I just doubted it was in my cards to conceive. When Jacob and I got really serious, we started discussing pregnancy, never parenting, and adoption. I knew that being a mom was a necessity for me- it's something I have wanted my entire life.
Well, surprise, surprise- here I am, 34 weeks pregnant, and so close to meeting my baby girl. Just typing out that last sentence brought tears to my eyes! I've been feeling blue the last month or so and I've been trying to hide it. I want to feel as excited as I act, and as excited as my friends and family are. I'm not sure what changed in me, but I have been fighting a bad case of the baby blues. I'm hesitant to share this on my blog because I'm definitely ashamed of my feelings. But, part of me just needs to get it out there and find a way to move forward.
I just feel so blah about everything- no excitement, no fear, no nothing. I know labor will be hard and I know parenting will be a challenge, but I don't feel FEAR. I don't feel excitement. I don't feel connected to my baby. I feel so terrible about not feeling anything. In all honesty, I'm so afraid that I am not going to love her when I meet her. What if this one thing I've been waiting so long for comes and I just don't care? What if I hate being a mom? What if I am just forced to be a mom when it's really not bringing any joy? I so desperately want to feel excited. I want to be one of those moms who talks to her baby in her belly. I wish I felt a deep connection with her already.

Maybe it's just my pregnant hormones... the tears are pouring out as I'm writing this on my lunch break at work. So, I'm obviously feeling SOMETHING!

I know what I really need to do. I need to get on my knees and start praying. I'm a firm believer that God never gives us more than we can handle. I don't think he would bless me with a pregnancy if it wasn't something I would cherish. To those handful of you who read my blog, please pray for me. Seriously struggling with this one :(

Things to Come

Recently, my thoughts have been consumed with things to come. I am looking forward to SOOOO many things in the coming months that it's a little overwhelming how excited I am! Here's the short-term list:

• Baby shower! Not only am I so excited to celebrate this little one with my friends and family, but I am also so anxious to see how my sister pulls this one off! She is so creative and always has the best decor and themes for parties. I know she's going to make me feel so special that day. I also can't wait for all the gifts! Might sound selfish, but hey, why not get excited about that? I'm so excited to complete Jane's room and get familiar with all her gear before she arrives (64 day countdown!!).
• Childbirth Classes! We had a hospital tour night last week. It's not to say that I wasn't looking forward to it, I just didn't think it would be a super exciting night. I'm a planner and I was definitely looking forward to seeing the rooms I'll deliver and recover in. Little things like that give me peace of mind. But to my great surprise (and Jake's!) we had a really fun night. There were about 10 vendors in the lobby selling everything from baby gear to massage sessions. We were in a room surrounded by over 100 other mommies and their partners. It's really a strange bond you feel when you're pregnant and next to someone else who is pregnant- sometimes there are no words necessary. You both get it :) But being in a huge conference hall with so many other preggo's was quite a treat! One of the nurses walked us through what to expect on delivery day through a powerpoint and then we took a tour of the Women's Hospital with another nurse. A very fun night! This Thursday, we have our Breastfeeding class, and then in August we have 3 weeks of Childbirth Classes. So much to look forward to! I am so thirsty for knowledge of this experience.
• Labor! Maybe a strange thing to be excited about, but I'm really anticipating all the little moments that lead up to that final push. I can't wait to feel my water break, see how I handle contractions, experience mine and Jake's partnership in getting through the pain, that elusive car ride to the hospital (you know, then one everyone talks about when there are those moments of silence as you and Dad realize it's the last time it will be just the two of you!), and so much more!
• Meeting my sweet Baby Jane! I'm overcome with tears and a welling sensation in my chest everytime I think of this little blessing. Jacob and I are so looking forward to meeting her.

As I think of all the things on my short- term list, I can't help but think of the long-term for, actually, the very first time. I guess I thought my baby was going to be an infant forever? Duh! Reality just sunk in that she grows up and changes. And while there are some aspects that really scare me, I am so excited for the things to come! I am so glad I'm having a little girl so we can share some really cool stuff. I can't wait to have movie nights with my little bug- chick flicks galore! I can't wait for her to confide in me about her friends and boys. I can't wait to take her shopping and occasionally spoil her for a day! And even better than all those fun moments, I can't wait to see the type of woman she becomes. What types of choices she makes and what kind of outlook she has on life. Man, am I blessed?!

Coobie Heaven

I recently fell in love. With a bra.

I was shopping with Jacob's mom and aunt when I was dragged into "Fresh Produce"...definitely not my style clothing, but I was a good sport and browsed anyways. I ran across this bra: The Coobie. It is seriously the most comfortable thing in the world! It fits similar to a sports bra, but a lot softer and even has removable pads for extra comfort (or for me, extra coverage since my girls appear to be cold all. the. time.) It was only $20 and it was such a great buy! I was reading "Parents" magazine last week and saw an ad: Buy one Coobie, get the 2nd for free! I thought, "Yeah, right" but I logged onto their website, typed in the code PBOGO and there are currently two amazing Coobie bras being shipped to my house (for the price of one!)

I recommend these bras to everyone now. They comfortably fit anyone from a 32A-36DD. They even have removable straps, which I'm super excited about because that means I can wear my Coobie while nursing :)

Check out their website: www.ShopCoobie.com

Enjoy!

Goodbye to You

Hunter has been such a great friend over the past 8 years. We were acquaintances in high school but grew really close once I graduated. He was one of those friends that would float in and out of my life, but we always shared instant chemistry and it felt like we never skipped a beat. He died last Saturday and it's been really hard adjusting to the idea of him gone. There are alot of mixed feelings facing his death. The past 4 or 5 years, Hunter has battled a nasty addiction that has brought him down countless times. Everytime he pushed himself to sober up, he had such amazing hope and positivity. Unfortunately, addictions are alot more brutal than most of us realize. It's not as simple as saying "no" to a drug-- it's so much more. I've watched him face his demons over the past few years and he has carried such a huge weight on his shoulders knowing that he has hurt his friends and family countless times. As he struggled to maintain sobriety, his guilt was too much to bear and he took his own life. I know what the Bible says about suicide and I can only hope that the Lord has shown mercy on Hunter's broken soul. Hunter believed in God, had a relationship with Jesus, and was baptised a couple years ago. He knew of God's love for him, but his demons seemed to be too strong to let him comfortably accept that he was still wanted and forgiven.

I will always remember how huge of a heart he had. We dated for awhile when I was in college and I can honestly say that nobody has ever loved me with as much passion as he did. I felt like I was the only person alive when I was around him. We had a ton of fun together- while dating, and for years afterwards. He was amazingly talented on the drums and taught me how to play a little. We shared a passion for music and I remember countless car rides with the music blasting and just having fun together. Hunter was also hilarious. He had so many little voices and impersonations that would never cease to amaze me. It felt great to be invited into his little world every once in awhile. I remember his laughter during his dark times, too. He still loved like crazy and kept a smile on everyone else's faces.

Hunter is the first friend I have lost and it's nothing short of overwhelming. I feel such a deep sadness knowing that this isn't just one of our periods of not talking. This time it's for real and I won't ever be able to hear his voice again. I find a little relief knowing that he is not struggling with his addiction anymore and I only hope he is experiencing heaven. I picture him being bathed in sunlight standing with Jesus.

I have been plagued with dreams ever since he passed. One night I woke up 4 or 5 times and fell back to sleep all to experience yet another dream about him. The one that I find the most peace from came a few days before his funeral. In the dream, he was walking with his arm around my shoulder. We were at his funeral and there was a huge line of people waiting to go inside. I remember dropping my head and weeping while we continued walking. Finally, I looked at him and said "Look at how many people love you." I don't know if he will ever realize just how many people loved him and how special he was.

I love you, Hunter! Thank you for always putting a smile on my face. You blessed so many peoples lives and we all miss you.

Photo Numero Uno

-24 Weeks-

Operation: Nursery

Jacob and I have been so excited to get started on Jane's nursery. We bought her bedding the night we found out she was a girl (and the only reason we were hoping for a girl was because we fell in love with this bedding a few weeks earlier)! We spent Saturday afternoon having lunch with my mom and then headed over to Babies R Us to pick out a crib. My mom bought us "the one" (thanks, Mom!) and we were so anxious to get it home to set it up! We spent Monday morning re-arranging the office to make room for baby. Jacob and I were prepared for hours-on-end of crib duty (I've heard horror stories about cribs taking hours to put together!) but we finished in under one. It was fun piecing it together as a team. I have zero patience so you better believe the bedding was on the crib right after that! I melt every time I think about her tiny little body laying in that big giant crib. We pass her room on our way to our bedroom and I can't help but smile every time I peek in and see the crib that she'll be snoozing in in just a few short months!

Next up: painting the nursery!