Growing!

Jane: 3 Months

Jane is now 3 months old! Here is a little bit of her life:

Age: 13 weeks

Weight: She hasn't been weighed in over a month, but my guess is somewhere close to 15 lbs

Eating habits: Jane eats every 2-3 hours during the day. We are so thankful that the Lord has made breastfeeding work! She is still exclusively breastfed -- no formula! Woohoo!

Sleeping habits: She takes a couple of long naps during the day and a few cat naps in the evening. We are pretty active and on the go, so she is usually up until 10pm. She is now sleeping through the night! A very grateful Mom and Dad appreciate Jane's 8-hour sleep routine at night. We are usually up around 6am for a feeding and then she falls back to sleep until around 8. She is very consistent, which I am thrilled about!

Development: Jane amazes us as she is continuing to grow and learn- the results evident on a daily basis! We are still enjoying her sweet smiles, which now make an appearance all day and night! She rolls from back to side and grabs at toys. She spends a lot of time playing with her hands in front of her face-- she seems amazed that she controls those cool things! We heard Jane's very first laugh this month. What a special moment! She gave a few giggles for Daddy a few weeks ago, but the first time we really heard it was around family and it was a priceless moment. While the whole family was laughing and cheering on those adorable giggles, my hands were clasped over my mouth with tears streaming down my face- what joy this sweet girl brings me! You can check out the video here: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10150453500043191

Favorite things to do: Baby girl loves her time with family. We are so blessed to live so close to Jacob's family, so I spend time at their house almost every day. Jane is spoiled with love from her aunties and now gets to spend some special time with her Uncle Joely who recently moved back home from San Francisco. Jane still loves hanging out on her changing pad, kicking around and looking at the hanging flowers on the ceiling!

For those of you who haven't heard me say it yet... Jane is the easiest baby! She is such a little sweetheart and makes the transition into parenthood so effortless for Jacob and I. From day one, she has been a good sleeper and eater and has adapted to many different environments and people holding her. I thank God every day for bringing me my little miracle baby. I never would have imagined this much joy in my life.

This month, we celebrated Jane's very first Christmas. It was a fun-filled weekend with lots of activities! On Christmas Eve, we spent with at my Dad & Jeanine's house with the Fedlers for a delicious brunch and gifts. At night, we headed to the Raub's house for their annual Christmas Eve get-together. It was late, but we still wanted to stop by the Sustacek's for a little tradition they've had for years: pizza and chili. The anticipation for Christmas morning was almost more than I could contain! Christmas morning we headed back to the Sustacek's in our PJ's for an awesome time with Jacob's parents, siblings, and Grandma Susie. We were all spoiled rotten and enjoyed watching all of the excitement around the room. We watched the Adele DVD Jacob gave me while eating Angie's traditional Christmas morning breakfast: biscuits and gravy. In the afternoon, we headed to my Mom's house for gifts and a laid-back Christmas dinner of 3 different soups and tasty appetizers and desserts. My grandparents made a huge dart board a few years ago, which has become a really fun activity on Christmas and we all filled our pockets with cash! The gifts and the food were great, but the biggest blessing of all was spending time with family. My sweet “Bay Jane”, as Kate calls her, has been a huge joy in our lives. That joy reminded me of the great reason we celebrate Christmas- Jesus! I can only imagine the joy Mary experienced when holding our Lord and Savior in her arms. "And Mary said 'From now on, all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me-- Holy is His name!’”

Up and Away

I consider myself completely blessed- life is good. I was lucky enough to marry my best friend. That's a pretty common statement married couples make, because when you date someone, they usually become your best friend-- and that is a key component in a good marriage! But I consider myself a little *extra* lucky because Jacob was my best friend even before we started dating. It's all very "Dawson's Creek". I didn't need to date him very long to realize that he was exactly what I'd been searching for. I had fallen in love before, but I had never experienced that compatibility Jacob and I share. Anyone who knows Jacob can quickly rattle off all of his great traits: huge heart, great sense of humor, and a relaxed walk through life that becomes contagious.

Today I found myself remembering April 2nd and the song that inspired our wedding day. Here are a couple lines:

Everyday, everyday with you

Every little thing you do the way you do

Little darlin' in your eyes

Got me all up and away

You get me high

I saw you there, since then everyday

It's like I'm lost and thinking of you in every way

Since I fell into your eyes

All I know is that you get me high

You get me high

Office Facelift

I have worked in this office for over a year and the most personal touch I've added has been my pens from home. I don't spend very much time here (especially now that I'm part time- I'm only here one day a week!), but it's enough to merit some "me" in here. Afterall, I've got a private office with a door and I'm the only one to ever sit at this desk!
Today was my first day of work at the office (not counting a quick trip here last week to get re-acquainted) in over 14 weeks. Wow- it didn't feel that long! First on my to-do list today was re-vamp the office a bit. I came prepared with a couple picture frames and a few photos to thumb through. I found two of my favorites: one of Jane and one of Jake and I on our wedding day. Life would definitely not feel as whole without these two great loves of mine. I felt like my desk had a total facelift by simply adding two frames-- why didn't I do this sooner? But I took it a little further and added 4 photos to my bulletin board. I now have a constant reminder why I'm here: providing for my little family in my own small way.
I thought it would be really difficult leaving Jane, but today has felt really refreshing. I have a different sense of purpose and responsibility when I'm here and that is a nice change. It also gives me some me-time to catch up on e-mails. I'm very blessed to be able to work part time and I am so grateful for this little office of my own. I think next I will spend a little money on some desk accessories. My desk is currently home to some obviously used and abused items like my pen jar and paperclip holder. Little touches will make this space all the more appealing (since I can't do anything about the aged computer and ugly furniture!). Here is a glimpse of my office:

Jane: 2 Months

Our sweet baby girl is 2 months old! Time is flying by and we are enjoying her precious life more and more each day. Here's what we're experiencing now:

Age: 9 weeks

Weight: 13 pounds, 4 ounces

Eating habits: Still nursing every 2 hours during the day, but gives her Mama a break at night, with feedings every 3-5 hours

Sleeping habits: Jane is awake more during the day at 2 months. She naps a lot from about 10am til 2pm and is awake until 8pm. We have trouble waking her up anytime after 8 and she normally gives us a big stretch of sleep until 2 or 3 am (then wakes up every 2 hours or so).

Development: Her little personality is shining now! Jane is full of smiles and coos =) She is happiest first thing in the morning and the girl does NOT hold back the smiles! She is talking back, learning how to converse with us. Jane is super strong and does a great job during tummy time (it was a bit of a challenge for her a few short weeks ago!).

Favorite things to do: Her favorite hang out is still the changing pad. She loves to smile and enjoys being held by family. She especially loves her time with Grumpaw-- the girl has her first crush! Jane is a pacifier baby- it's pretty rare to see her without her favorite pink paci in her mouth! She also loves mommy and daddy a lot! We are all smiles whenever she looks our way.

Jane had her 2 month visit with the pediatrician this morning and is right on track! She is in the 95th percentile for weight, so it's obvious our girl is eating well. She had 5 shots today with a total of 6 immunizations and she took it like a champ. I cried more than she did! Baby girl is the biggest blessing in our lives. This month we've been very busy enjoying family and friends and showing off our bundle of love. For Jane's first Thanksgiving, we had some family time alone in the morning and then headed off to Aunt Bubu's for a late lunch with the Sustacek clan. After, we spent time with the Brown side of the fam at Aunt Jody's. The celebration continued on Sunday with lunch with my Dad, Jeanine, and the Fedlers. The holidays are so much more fun with a little one around!

Jane: 1 Month

Wow- I can't believe a month has already flown by! Our precious baby girl is growing so quickly and we are enjoying every second! Here's what we're experiencing this month:

Age: 5 weeks

Weight: Somewhere around 10 pounds (oh yeah- the girl can eat!)

Eating habits: Nurses every 2 hours, like clock-work!

Sleeping habits: Jane naps throughout the day, but stays alert and active quite a bit. She is a great sleeper at night! She is starting to sleep in 3-4 hours periods, which is great for Mom and Dad!

Development: We are seeing her first real smiles! There are a few special things that get a smile almost every time and then she surprises us every once in awhile with a big grin for no reason!

Favorite things to do: Believe it or not, her changing pad seems to be her favorite spot, other than Mom or Dads chest. She kicks her legs around and stares at the ceiling, coo-ing for really long periods of time! Whenever she gets fussy, we give her a quick diaper change and let her entertain herself for awhile.

We are loving this time with our baby girl. She makes us laugh all the time-- whether it's a huge fart, or the way she rubs her face back and forth on our chests when she wakes up, she's constantly keeping a smile on our faces.

Mary Jane's Birth Story

Our sweet baby girl was due to arrive on September 20th, a birthday she would share with her Daddy and Grandma Angie. So much anticipation led up to that day and when it came and went with no baby Jane, I was as anxious as ever to meet her. I followed a textbook labor story. I never felt Braxton Hicks contractions throughout my pregnancy, but once I hit about 39 weeks, they made their debut. I didn't feel them often and they mostly came in the form of crampiness and lower back pain. I lost my mucous plug 2 weeks before delivery, as well.

I woke up around 5am on September 26th with that same menstrual-like crampiness I had been experiencing periodically. The thought crossed my mind that "this could be it!" but I fell back asleep shortly after. I woke up an hour later and contractions were coming every 8-10 minutes. It was an exciting time for me as I knew today would be the day. I tracked how often the contractions were coming for a few hours. After cleaning up around the house and taking a shower, they were 5 minutes apart and lasting what I thought was only about 20 seconds. When I really started timing them, I realized they were lasting about a minute each, which meant it was time to go to the hospital! I spent a lot of time during the last few weeks of my pregnancy praying that God would calm me. I have severe anxiety about a lot of things and the few times I thought I might be going into labor, I felt terribly sick to my stomach and started to panic. I prayed that when the time finally came, God would give me a peace about it and not let me start freaking out. He was faithful-- that entire morning was both exciting and relaxing, but never did I feel that anxiety creep up.

Jacob and I packed up the car and headed to the hospital around 11am. 10 days earlier, my OB did a cervical exam and I was already 3cm dilated. Having never felt any contractions getting me to those 3 cm, I was convinced that by the time I actually started feeling contractions, I would be showing up at the hospital dilated to at a 5 or 6. To my dismay, I was only 4 cm dilated when I showed up, but because my contractions were definitely coming every 5 minutes, I was admitted.

Our labor room was great- so spacious with lots of room to walk around, a rocking chair, and a great view. We spent the next 7 hours with mild contractions (I was convinced for awhile that I was one of those lucky few who don't feel the pain of contractions!). Around 6pm, I got started on Pitocin to speed things up. I was taking the highest dosage and that got my contractions to about every 3 minutes. The doctor finally arrived around 7pm to break my water. The bed was prepped and he was waiting with the needle in hand and as I made my way to the bed, my water broke on its own! Within seconds of my water breaking, I TRULY felt the labor pains. I was in so much pain that it was difficult to breathe through contractions, let alone talk! So much for all those breathing techniques I learned in childbirth class- it was all I could do to even allow myself to exhale during a contraction! After contracting like that for an hour, I got my epidural. I'm not quite sure how anyone goes through labor without one! I was really hoping I could be strong enough to do it without one, but at the end of the day, a healthy baby was my only goal.

The epidural brought instant relief. The doctor performed a cervical exam and I had dilated from 5cm to 9cm in less than an hour! I was very excited to hear the nurses say it was almost time to start pushing. My epidural had begun to wear off so they administered a "bump" through the catheter. Unfortunately, this did not stop the pain and even made me sick. I spent the next couple hours in and out of sleep and vomitting pretty regularly. Next thing I know, there are 3 nurses rushing into the labor room and I am getting a shot in my arm. They are so quick with their responses that I had no idea what was even going on until it had ended. When my water broke, my body released all the hormones that cause contractions, so that mixed with the Pitocin caused me to contract back to back with little break. This caused the baby's heart rate to drop significantly enough for the nurses to need to slow down labor. The next few hours were a bit of a blur, but at midnight the doctor came in and checked me and I was still only 9cm and 90% effaced. He said I should have delivered the baby hours ago and that if I didn't make anymore progress by 1am, I would need a c-section. MY BIGGEST FEAR! Throughout my pregnancy, the one thing I feared was going through hours and hours of labor and then needing a c-section. Here I was, facing that dreaded outcome, but I welcomed the idea at this point. I knew if I happened to progress to 10cm, I wouldn't have enough energy to push. At 1am, the doctor came back and checked me and I still had made no progress. He deemed the labor "failure to progress" and started directing the nurses to prep for a c-section.

As I was wheeled in the Operating Room, I felt scared and exhausted. Luckily before getting too anxious, I saw Jacob walk in the OR in his scrubs and that brought so much relief. I don't know what I would've done without his support. He was so encouraging and understanding throughout my labor and when the c-section started, he was so calm and sensitive with me. It felt like only a couple minutes later when I heard the doctor say "OK Dad, get your camera ready" and they dropped the curtain in front of me. Jacob stood up with his camera to capture Jane's arrival as the doctor pulled her from my belly. The anesthesiologist lifted my head so I could see her at the same time, but unfortunately, I felt the need to vomit again so I missed it. Jane was born at 1:41 am. I spent the next 10 minutes or so transitioning from vomitting to crying as I could hear the sweet cries of my precious baby girl so close by. I listened to the nurses and Jacob interacting with Jane and my heart felt so full already. They announced her birth weight of 8 pounds, 8 ounces and the doctor immediately shouted "I call a re-weigh! That baby weighs way more than that!" The scale didn't lie, our little chunky was indeed 8 lbs, 8 ounces. She was 20 inches long and had a full head of beautiful curly dark brown hair!

Once the surgery was over and I was back in the labor room, I got to spend some quality time with my new family. I remember holding Jane and looking back and forth between her and Jacob and being completely overwhelmed with love for all of us. It was an indescribable feeling. Jane breastfed and latched on perfectly without any hesitation and it seems like she hasn't stopped since! She seriously seems to surprise us with just how perfect she is... she scored an 8 and 9 on her APGARs, she passed her hearing test, was totally cleared of jaundice, latches on and sucks perfectly, and seems to be so well-mannered already! We are truly blessed with this little girl.

It is amazing to simply watch her sleep. The few hours she spends awake, Jacob and I just stare in awe at her bright eyes full of curiosity. We have been home with her for 5 days now (we were discharged from the hospital after 2 nights rather than the required 4 because my c-section was healing so well and I was feeling such little pain). Every day and night has gotten better and better with Jane falling into a great schedule already. She is eating... ALOT! I am nursing her every one to two hours. She is a quick eater, only nursing for about 10 minutes at a time. If she spent anymore time than that, I think I'd be more than overwhelmed with a feeding every hour! Today was her first visit with the pediatrician and she has already gained all her weight back - and then some! Our little chunky is already 8 pounds, 11 ounces and the doctor was SO pleased with her growth.

I am so in love. My life feels so complete with this little family of love. Jacob is the greatest Dad ever- he is so involved with everything we do! He helps with breastfeeding, changing clothes, swaddling, and can you believe it-- I still haven't changed a single diaper!!! We have so many things to look forward to with this little love bug in our lives. So many people already love her like crazy and we feel so blessed that she has brought so much joy to our lives!

Welcome to the world, Mary Jane! You have exceeded all our hopes and expectations and we are madly in love with you!

Mary Jane Melisa Sustacek

September 27, 2011

1:41 am

8 lbs, 8 oz

20 inches long

Perfect.

Goodbye Mary Jane

My sweet little girl, it is time for me to say goodbye to you as you introduce yourself to the world. You’ve been growing inside of me for nine months and I just know I am going to miss this special time we’ve shared. Being pregnant has been no walk in the park, but it is something I have always wanted and feared I might never experience. I was more than ecstatic when that little stick read “Pregnant” the first time. Your dad was at work so I had nobody to share the news with. I just kept pacing the house saying “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!” I have zero patience with secrets so as soon as he came home from work, he had a box to unwrap and inside was that first little glimpse he had of being a dad- my positive pregnancy test!

The first few weeks brought a few challenges: at our first doctor’s appointment, the ultrasound only showed a gestational sac, but no sign of baby. We were heart-broken to say the least, but the doctor sent me to get some bloodwork done and had me come back to his office a couple weeks later to see if anything had progressed. We were scared and stressed, but hopeful that God had a little baby cooking inside of me. We got an ultrasound on January 26^th and saw the first signs of you. We could not have been happier! There were quite a few challenges the first few months of pregnancy and I always feared losing you. Once we entered the second trimester, I started feeling a lot better and began to let myself get used to the idea of you sticking around.

Your daddy and I had a feeling you were a little girl from the very beginning so we were filled with so much joy when an ultrasound confirmed that! We spent many days shopping for cute outfits for you and fun things for your nursery. We talk about you all the time and we are so anxious to hold you for the first time. We have taken a lot of classes to prepare for you and we are pouring so much love into your little nursery. I am so grateful that we’ve been able to spend this time together. I have felt so much joy from your little kicks and you rolling around—something your dad loves to watch, but only I get to really experience it! I am so anxious to see you- I just know you are going to be perfect and beautiful! This past month has allowed me to totally fall in love with you and prepare myself for my world to be completely rocked. I have so many fears of being a parent… there are so many things I am going to mess up! But I know that I already have so much love for you and I can only imagine how much stronger that is going to grow when we meet.

You could be coming any day now. I’m due in 3 weeks, but I have a feeling you’re coming early. As I enjoy this last bit of time with you to myself, there are a few things I want you to know. You are so loved already. Your daddy already has such a huge, kind heart, but watching him talk about you is something special. I can’t wait to see him hold you and love on you. I want you to know how much I wanted you. We go our entire lives hearing people say they love us and that we mean so much to them. But even more than that, I want you to know just how wanted you are. Getting pregnant was such a HUGE blessing and I am still in awe that we made it this far. I have wanted to be a mommy for as long as I can remember and spent so much time crying out to God asking for a little baby. I am so grateful for His timing because you were given to us at a perfect time. I love you so much and am so excited to start this little family of ours!

See you soon,

Your Mom =)

Baby Blues

I never thought I'd get pregnant. After trying for over a year and starting on infertility meds, I just doubted it was in my cards to conceive. When Jacob and I got really serious, we started discussing pregnancy, never parenting, and adoption. I knew that being a mom was a necessity for me- it's something I have wanted my entire life.
Well, surprise, surprise- here I am, 34 weeks pregnant, and so close to meeting my baby girl. Just typing out that last sentence brought tears to my eyes! I've been feeling blue the last month or so and I've been trying to hide it. I want to feel as excited as I act, and as excited as my friends and family are. I'm not sure what changed in me, but I have been fighting a bad case of the baby blues. I'm hesitant to share this on my blog because I'm definitely ashamed of my feelings. But, part of me just needs to get it out there and find a way to move forward.
I just feel so blah about everything- no excitement, no fear, no nothing. I know labor will be hard and I know parenting will be a challenge, but I don't feel FEAR. I don't feel excitement. I don't feel connected to my baby. I feel so terrible about not feeling anything. In all honesty, I'm so afraid that I am not going to love her when I meet her. What if this one thing I've been waiting so long for comes and I just don't care? What if I hate being a mom? What if I am just forced to be a mom when it's really not bringing any joy? I so desperately want to feel excited. I want to be one of those moms who talks to her baby in her belly. I wish I felt a deep connection with her already.

Maybe it's just my pregnant hormones... the tears are pouring out as I'm writing this on my lunch break at work. So, I'm obviously feeling SOMETHING!

I know what I really need to do. I need to get on my knees and start praying. I'm a firm believer that God never gives us more than we can handle. I don't think he would bless me with a pregnancy if it wasn't something I would cherish. To those handful of you who read my blog, please pray for me. Seriously struggling with this one :(

Things to Come

Recently, my thoughts have been consumed with things to come. I am looking forward to SOOOO many things in the coming months that it's a little overwhelming how excited I am! Here's the short-term list:

• Baby shower! Not only am I so excited to celebrate this little one with my friends and family, but I am also so anxious to see how my sister pulls this one off! She is so creative and always has the best decor and themes for parties. I know she's going to make me feel so special that day. I also can't wait for all the gifts! Might sound selfish, but hey, why not get excited about that? I'm so excited to complete Jane's room and get familiar with all her gear before she arrives (64 day countdown!!).
• Childbirth Classes! We had a hospital tour night last week. It's not to say that I wasn't looking forward to it, I just didn't think it would be a super exciting night. I'm a planner and I was definitely looking forward to seeing the rooms I'll deliver and recover in. Little things like that give me peace of mind. But to my great surprise (and Jake's!) we had a really fun night. There were about 10 vendors in the lobby selling everything from baby gear to massage sessions. We were in a room surrounded by over 100 other mommies and their partners. It's really a strange bond you feel when you're pregnant and next to someone else who is pregnant- sometimes there are no words necessary. You both get it :) But being in a huge conference hall with so many other preggo's was quite a treat! One of the nurses walked us through what to expect on delivery day through a powerpoint and then we took a tour of the Women's Hospital with another nurse. A very fun night! This Thursday, we have our Breastfeeding class, and then in August we have 3 weeks of Childbirth Classes. So much to look forward to! I am so thirsty for knowledge of this experience.
• Labor! Maybe a strange thing to be excited about, but I'm really anticipating all the little moments that lead up to that final push. I can't wait to feel my water break, see how I handle contractions, experience mine and Jake's partnership in getting through the pain, that elusive car ride to the hospital (you know, then one everyone talks about when there are those moments of silence as you and Dad realize it's the last time it will be just the two of you!), and so much more!
• Meeting my sweet Baby Jane! I'm overcome with tears and a welling sensation in my chest everytime I think of this little blessing. Jacob and I are so looking forward to meeting her.

As I think of all the things on my short- term list, I can't help but think of the long-term for, actually, the very first time. I guess I thought my baby was going to be an infant forever? Duh! Reality just sunk in that she grows up and changes. And while there are some aspects that really scare me, I am so excited for the things to come! I am so glad I'm having a little girl so we can share some really cool stuff. I can't wait to have movie nights with my little bug- chick flicks galore! I can't wait for her to confide in me about her friends and boys. I can't wait to take her shopping and occasionally spoil her for a day! And even better than all those fun moments, I can't wait to see the type of woman she becomes. What types of choices she makes and what kind of outlook she has on life. Man, am I blessed?!

Coobie Heaven

I recently fell in love. With a bra.

I was shopping with Jacob's mom and aunt when I was dragged into "Fresh Produce"...definitely not my style clothing, but I was a good sport and browsed anyways. I ran across this bra: The Coobie. It is seriously the most comfortable thing in the world! It fits similar to a sports bra, but a lot softer and even has removable pads for extra comfort (or for me, extra coverage since my girls appear to be cold all. the. time.) It was only $20 and it was such a great buy! I was reading "Parents" magazine last week and saw an ad: Buy one Coobie, get the 2nd for free! I thought, "Yeah, right" but I logged onto their website, typed in the code PBOGO and there are currently two amazing Coobie bras being shipped to my house (for the price of one!)

I recommend these bras to everyone now. They comfortably fit anyone from a 32A-36DD. They even have removable straps, which I'm super excited about because that means I can wear my Coobie while nursing :)

Check out their website: www.ShopCoobie.com

Enjoy!

Goodbye to You

Hunter has been such a great friend over the past 8 years. We were acquaintances in high school but grew really close once I graduated. He was one of those friends that would float in and out of my life, but we always shared instant chemistry and it felt like we never skipped a beat. He died last Saturday and it's been really hard adjusting to the idea of him gone. There are alot of mixed feelings facing his death. The past 4 or 5 years, Hunter has battled a nasty addiction that has brought him down countless times. Everytime he pushed himself to sober up, he had such amazing hope and positivity. Unfortunately, addictions are alot more brutal than most of us realize. It's not as simple as saying "no" to a drug-- it's so much more. I've watched him face his demons over the past few years and he has carried such a huge weight on his shoulders knowing that he has hurt his friends and family countless times. As he struggled to maintain sobriety, his guilt was too much to bear and he took his own life. I know what the Bible says about suicide and I can only hope that the Lord has shown mercy on Hunter's broken soul. Hunter believed in God, had a relationship with Jesus, and was baptised a couple years ago. He knew of God's love for him, but his demons seemed to be too strong to let him comfortably accept that he was still wanted and forgiven.

I will always remember how huge of a heart he had. We dated for awhile when I was in college and I can honestly say that nobody has ever loved me with as much passion as he did. I felt like I was the only person alive when I was around him. We had a ton of fun together- while dating, and for years afterwards. He was amazingly talented on the drums and taught me how to play a little. We shared a passion for music and I remember countless car rides with the music blasting and just having fun together. Hunter was also hilarious. He had so many little voices and impersonations that would never cease to amaze me. It felt great to be invited into his little world every once in awhile. I remember his laughter during his dark times, too. He still loved like crazy and kept a smile on everyone else's faces.

Hunter is the first friend I have lost and it's nothing short of overwhelming. I feel such a deep sadness knowing that this isn't just one of our periods of not talking. This time it's for real and I won't ever be able to hear his voice again. I find a little relief knowing that he is not struggling with his addiction anymore and I only hope he is experiencing heaven. I picture him being bathed in sunlight standing with Jesus.

I have been plagued with dreams ever since he passed. One night I woke up 4 or 5 times and fell back to sleep all to experience yet another dream about him. The one that I find the most peace from came a few days before his funeral. In the dream, he was walking with his arm around my shoulder. We were at his funeral and there was a huge line of people waiting to go inside. I remember dropping my head and weeping while we continued walking. Finally, I looked at him and said "Look at how many people love you." I don't know if he will ever realize just how many people loved him and how special he was.

I love you, Hunter! Thank you for always putting a smile on my face. You blessed so many peoples lives and we all miss you.

Photo Numero Uno

-24 Weeks-

Operation: Nursery

Jacob and I have been so excited to get started on Jane's nursery. We bought her bedding the night we found out she was a girl (and the only reason we were hoping for a girl was because we fell in love with this bedding a few weeks earlier)! We spent Saturday afternoon having lunch with my mom and then headed over to Babies R Us to pick out a crib. My mom bought us "the one" (thanks, Mom!) and we were so anxious to get it home to set it up! We spent Monday morning re-arranging the office to make room for baby. Jacob and I were prepared for hours-on-end of crib duty (I've heard horror stories about cribs taking hours to put together!) but we finished in under one. It was fun piecing it together as a team. I have zero patience so you better believe the bedding was on the crib right after that! I melt every time I think about her tiny little body laying in that big giant crib. We pass her room on our way to our bedroom and I can't help but smile every time I peek in and see the crib that she'll be snoozing in in just a few short months!

Next up: painting the nursery!

Nesting

Seems pretty early on in my pregnancy to start nesting, but tonight was unusually productive. I worked ten hours at the restaurant and you'd think I'd just crash the second I got home. Nope! I did two loads of laundry, loaded up the dishwasher, washed a ton of dishes by hand, detailed the microwave, soaked the grates on the stove, detailed the stove, organized two closets, wrapped a present, and as I'm waiting for the final load of laundry to dry, I'm going to start setting up the crib. Whew! I feel exhausted just typing this, but it feels SO good to get all of these random tasks done. I hope that this is a new phase for me and that I get on a cleaning streak until baby arrives!

Belly Bump(s)

I feel like I have been waiting my entire life to be pregnant. Now that I finally am, I have been so anxious for my belly to start showing! I know a few pregnant girls right now and none of them were excited about their growing bellies. I'm the complete opposite- I've been dying to wear the tightest of shirts to show off this little miracle inside. But my belly just isn't growing the right way! Baby Jane is hangin out below my belly-button still and I'm just not getting that round look. You know, when it looks like a bowling ball underneath a t-shirt! I'm stuck in that stage still where strangers can't tell if I'm pregnant or just fat.
I have been so excited to start photographing the progress of the baby bump, but I just haven't felt motivated to do it yet since I'm not quite there. Hurry up, belly! I want the world to know about my little bug inside!

Karl Strauss: Beach to Brewery- Beer & Music Fest

What a fun weekend! We serve Karl Strauss beer on draft at First Class and Jacob has always had a great relationship with our sales rep. We've had dinner and drinks comped on a date night at the Karl Strauss restaurant, and when our friend Jimmy (who was also a manager at FCP) was moving out of the country, our sales rep comped all the beer 8 of us could drink at Jimmy's going away party. Needless to say, they hook it up for us and it is so appreciated!

Saturday was Karl Strauss' 8th Annual Beach to Brewery event. Jacob first told me about this about a month ago and it didn't even cross my mind to go. I'm not a big beer drinker in the first place, but being pregnant doesn't really give me that option anyway! Jacob brought up the idea again on Friday when our sales rep dropped off 2 free tickets to the event. I was sold when Jacob mentioned a tour of the brewery and 4 local bands. We invited our best pal, Kevin (who Karl Strauss also hooked up with a free ticket!) and we made the trek down to San Diego for the afternoon.

When you walk in, you get a commemorative cup and a wristband with 5 tabs on it. Each tab was good for a taster of one of the 22 beers Karl Strauss had on draft. First off, tasters are usually about 3 oz pours... they were filling the commemorative cups halfway full! If you happened to finish your 5 tasters and had room for more, you could purchase another wristband worth 5 tasters for $10 or you could buy drink tickets for $5 that got you a full glass of beer. Kevin made the mistake of buying full glass tickets, because again, Jacob continued to get hooked up. Right when he walked in, he saw one of his beer reps who gave him 2 tickets for full cups of beer. Then we ran into the tech guy who installs and maintains the beer lines in our restaurant, he gave the guys two full pours, as well! As you can tell, Jake and Kevin were having a pretty good time :)

The food wasn't bad (Wahoo's was there with chicken or fish tacos and burritos, and there was a pizza place which we probably put out of business with the amount of slices we consumed!) and the music was about the same. It's always cool to hear local bands and despite how loud it was, they sounded pretty good.

Four hours into it, we decided to take the brewery tour. The brewery was way smaller than I would have ever imagined and the tour guide didn't use lamen's terms for describing the brewing process, so I was pretty disappointed. It was cool to see where all our beer for the restaurant comes from, though! After the tour, we hit the merch booth and the boys got sweatshirts, a hat, and a bottle opener. We are Karl fans :) We walked at least half a mile back to my car and then drove home. It was a long and tiring day for this preggo girl, but it was a really fun event! I always love spending time with Jacob and Kevin and they kept me entertained the whole day! We finished off the night at Island's for dinner and dessert that Kevin treated us to. Turned out to be a great day!

Mother's Day

This year was officially my first unofficial Mother's Day. There's a little debate whether or not a pregnant lady gets to celebrate-- I say yes!

We spent the morning at the Sustacek abode, chowing down on fruit, cinnamon rolls, a breakfast biscuit casserole, and banana bread. It's always fun spending time at their house because you never know who is going to show up. Angie has always had an open door policy since I've known her. It was always Jake's house we chose to go to... he had a huge comfy couch in his bedroom, we would spend hours watching movies and hanging out, and there was always food waiting for us. Seriously. I remember coming over at 10pm and Angie had dinner waiting on the stove. I think the woman is just always cooking! She still has that same open door policy and holidays are no exception. Our Obachan (Japanese for Grandma) and her husband came over, and the Arteaga family. I spent most of my time hanging out with Julia, though! When everyone left (and Jake had to go to work) Julia and I decided to take Angie to the movies to see a chick flick. Unfortunately we were a little late, and there was no seating available. So we made a quick stop to browse Babies R Us and then viewed some model homes being built next door to us.

Julia is such a sweetheart- she is always writing sweet things and pouring out her heart. She made this for me :)
Mary Jane's first pair of shoes! Thanks to Grandma Angie and Papa Sus!

I headed over to my Mom's house and made dinner for her, Jen. Ryan, and Kate. I made my go-to dish, "Creamy One Pot Pasta" - it seriously never disappoints! Jen made her amazing Pina Colada cupcakes for dessert that we enjoyed while playing The Office version of Clue. I always have such a great time when I spend time with my family. We joke and laugh and it never seems boring. I'm really lucky that we all live close enough to be able to see each other for every holiday and the in-betweens!

My sister is so talented! Jen made this flower hair clip- I love it!

Beautiful

You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face

And show the world all the love in your heart

Then people gonna treat you better

You're gonna find, yes you will

That you're beautiful as you feel

I have often asked myself the reason for the sadness

In a world where tears are just a lullaby

If there's any answer, maybe love can end the madness

Maybe not, but oh, we can only try

Those are just a few of the lyrics to one of my all-time favorite songs-- "Beautiful" by Carole King. It's one of those feel-good songs that you can't help but smile while singing along to. For some reason, I can't get this one outta my head! I seriously find myself singing it at some point during my morning routine every day. But...why the heck not? What a message!

Jake and I bought tickets to see James Taylor and Carole King back in July. We had a crazy busy month and a week after the show, we realized we had forgotten all about it! This is one of my biggest disappointments. I still cringe every time I think about missing the opportunity to see these amazing artists together!

Calling

I was raised in a Christian home. I wore my pretty dresses to church every Sunday. I went to a private Christian school from preschool thru eighth grade. Most of my summer memories include one church camp or another. I've had highs and lows with religion and have had to take a good hard look at my beliefs over the past 5ish years.

At first, it was really difficult to determine whether I believed in God because that was how I was raised, or if I believed in God because He was present in my life and I had faith that He was my truth. I guess the answer to that is a little of both. The next toughest aspect of this was questioning the way I interpret the Bible. I don't have all the answers- and I'm not trying to. I just know what I believe in my core and I know what feels right in my soul. I believe in a loving Father who gives me freedom and will to choose Him. I don't follow a literal translation of the Bible, but I see it as the greatest reference guide to life. I am so turned off by the idea of church- for one, it just seems for conforming (yes, I guess that's the rebel in me), but mostly it just seems really fake. There is such a huge need for love and compassion in our world and the doors of a church just seem so closed off by that. I definitely see the good in church and think it's a great way to stay connected with other believers, but I still feel like there is a huge lack of acceptance and being able to truly show who you are. I'm sure this isn't true of every church, but it is true of my experiences.

I digress. Basically, I just wanted to share about where I stand with the Big Guy. Never more than these last few months have I seen Him in my life in a really big way. Not just because there are some really awesome and positive things happening in my life-- there are quite a few of those! But I am seeing Him in every little decision. I feel like my heart has expanded so much and I just feel this huge sense to LOVE on others. Skip all the verses in the Bible, the sermons at church, and the daily devotionals-- the big picture is that God calls us to love. I am so excited that I finally have this very clear picture of who He is and who He desires me to be. I may not follow a Christian lifestyle-- I still feel like church is an akward place and not somewhere I care to be, I still cuss like a sailor, and I don't give my time or money to a church-- but I do feel like I have been called to show his love and compassion to others. I am so excited about really exploring what that means outside of my little bit of life.

Oh Sweet Mary Jane

Our sweet baby girl is 20 weeks in the womb-officially halfway there! Words cannot express how excited we are to meet her and hold her for the first time. I sit here wondering whose fingers she'll have, what color her eyes will be, if she'll have a Sustacek build or a Brown build. So many teeny tiny details that God is busy preparing and we'll have the joy of discovering in 20 short weeks!

The hubs and I were busy picking baby names before we ever knew we were pregnant. We wanted to stick with the "J" tradition in his family (John, Jeff, Jacob, Joel, Jade, Julia) and we love classic names. Mary Jane is not the most modern of names, but it is the one we have fallen in love with (we will call her Jane, for short!). The rest of the world, however, is not so in love with her name. It seems that everyone has a say in it. We are constantly being encouraged to change it to something more modern like "Brooklyn" or "Janessa". People love to list baby names they think we should use. Thanks, but I do have access to baby name books, I am aware of the other names out there, and-no, I'm not interested.

are you really naming her Mary Jane?

you aren't joking? That's for real?

which hippie picked out that name?

etc., etc.

People don't seem to understand how offensive these comments are. I don't expect everyone to love her name, but I would love if they could just skip the comments and move on to the next question, like "When are you due?" Yes, we love the name Mary Jane. No, we are not naming our daughter in support of Prop 19. Yes, we are aware Mary Jane is a term for marijuana. No, we were not high when we conceived her.

I'm beginning to understand why our good friends, Tiffany and Brian, decided to keep the sex and name of their baby under wraps until its birth. Nobody has time to criticize!

Proud to Be

I must be one of the most unpopular Americans today. I'm sure of it.

While our nation was celebrating the death of a terrorist, I sat horrified, watching so many people rejoice in murder. Did Osama Bin Laden do alot of bad things? Absolutely. But I have a hard time believing that any one person is all bad. I bet he still had a family - one that is now mourning his death.

Watching the news last night, I did not hear a single reporter, analyst, or commentator say anything other than "justice has been done". Why is that our job to create justice? If he was a threat to our country, why wasn't he simply captured? There is so much hype about his body being in US hands- this is something we are bragging about! Analysts are even saying that we will probably be able to see pictures of it to prove that he is actually dead. How sad.

What happened to mercy? I believe in a God who shows endless mercy. Who says that it is not our responsibility to show justice to others, that HE will punish the sinners on judgement day.

It has already been argued with me that "we killed him the right way, though! We didn't kill any women or children. He massacred thousands of innocent people!" I'm sorry- I don't agree. A death is a death, and to me- there is nothing justified about it. I understand the "bad guy" needing to be found and off the streets, but this just doesn't sit comfortably with me.

Another thought that kills me is the thousands of people rejoicing in front of the White House. We didn't win a war - in all actuality, we probably just started one. Analysts said that Al Qaeda was not a hierarchy, but a network. Bin Laden wasn't in charge. Getting rid of him does not get rid of Al Qaeda. Killing him does not stop terrorism. It just sent a big 'F you to terrorists. And what about Pakistan's involvement? The guy was living there in a million dollar home, surrounded by barbed wire fences, two security gates with guards, and no telephone or cable service. As if the government had no idea he was there. So now what does all of this mean? I think it's scary to think about what is coming as retaliation.

Like I said, I am a very unpopular American today. You probably disagree with my thoughts. This is why I hate talking politics and religion-- there's no way to discuss my side without an opposition. But watching the news and then seeing so many of my Facebook friends rejoicing over this just makes me sick. We are a country who is celebrating death and it just doesn't seem right. I may not feel proud to be an American today, but I am Proud to Be a believer in our Lord, who calls us to show mercy to others.

We're Out of the Woods, Folks!

So happy to say that I am officially in my second trimester of pregnancy! I was so blessed with this little one to begin with that I really had no idea how long God would keep the blessings coming. My first trimester was nothing short of... well, hell. I had every symptom in the book. My morning sickness felt unbearable for weeks on end. I can't believe I still have my job after leaving work early so many days. Luckily I'm only in the office 3 days a week, but I don't want to even BEGIN to share how difficult a feat that was! But alas, I have survived. I'm well into week 13 and I am beginning to feel so much better. My energy has started to return (no more feeling like death if I don't get a nap every 5 hours) and the morning sickness is so minimal. The morning vomiting is still a daily thing because I can't seem to force food down when I first wake up, so hugging the toilet it is!
We faced quite a few obstacles in the first trimester. From low to almost non-existent progesterone levels, a gestational sac and no baby on an ultrasound, and 4 days of bed rest, I am so happy we still have a growing little baby! This second trimester will be exciting-- I can hardly wait to find out the sex. Most people are guessing girl, so it will be fun when we hear who is right!

Crazy

Isn't is crazy when you find things out about people that you would have NEVER guessed??? Some people just live these crazy secret lives-- not that it's bad-- just so strange to me that they go through these huge things in life and never share them with anyone! I have a hard time keeping secrets-- and my life is an open book. I share every emotion with a wide range of different people. Yes, I know how to keep my guard up with certain people and in certain situations, but overall, what've I got to hide? It's crazy to me that there are so many people out there who are just... opposite of me.

Update on Taxes

God is so good. I didn't end up owing $30,000 in taxes for that short sale. And on top of that, I even got a nice little return! This came at the perfect time as we're super close to our modest little wedding fund. Hoping to save enough for a mini honeymoon! Yay!

How do they do it?

Seriously... how do women work while pregnant? I feel so sick and tired ALL the time. A full day at the office has felt impossible to me (I've only been able to pull of one of them in the last 3 weeks). Thanks to some meds, the nausea isn't too bad while I'm here, but the exhaustion is just too much. I can easily take 4 naps a day, so pulling off nine hours in the office without one is not good. I can't wait to hit that 12-week mark for a couple reasons:
1. My chances of having a miscarriage after 12 weeks is so small, compared to those first few months.
2. My morning sickness is supposed to ease up.
3. Some of my energy should return!

Praying to God that these next 4 weeks pass quickly and that I find a way to keep my butt at work!

The past keeps catching up

Reporting an income of $128,645.76 to the IRS would actually be pretty exciting to me. In fact, that's just under 3 years' worth of income for me. Too bad this came by way of a 1099 and an amount of debt cancelled. By the way, debt cancelled is considered income, even though that money never touched my bank account. And it is also taxed as income, meaning it faces the same 23% (or so) I would normally pay on any real wages. We are trying to find a way to work around this one.... there are some laws protecting certain groups of people and there are some other ways around it (none that I understand or am ready to try just to see what happens). Today I am *hopefully* meeting with my boss's tax consultant to see what he can do. Keep your fingers crossed! I definitely don't have $30,000 hiding in my closet that I can pay the IRS thanks to a short sale on my condo.

7 Reasons Why

Just reflecting on how much I love my man! Here are seven reasons why I love him today:

1. He humbly shows his confidence at times, and it reminds me how strong of a man he is.
2. He doesn't get vulnerable with very many people, but he is not afraid to show any emotion with me.
3. He shares my exact level of excitement for our precious baby on the way.
4. He wants to be involved... in my day, in my heart, in our family.
5. He genuinely cares about the people in my life. He is bummed when he misses out on family events, he asks about my friends, and he makes an effort to stay involved despite his busy work schedule.
6. He has, overnight, become a responsible father. His every desire is to love and care for this growing little family of ours.
7. He is so cute when he compliments me. I wake him up to get a goodbye kiss when I leave for work and he always finds something special to pay attention to. Today it was "You look really cute with that clip in you hair". Not many guys notice or comment on things like that.

Grrrr...

My current gripe:

Wedding Planning.

Baby has definitely taken precedence over wedding, so what we had planned to spend on our wedding has now become the Baby Fund. Neither of us can imagine ourselves going to the courthouse for a signed piece of paper and then that's it. Love is all about celebration and sharing it with those around you. We are determined to have some type of party for our wedding, no matter how small.

...but then there's that next little thing: where do we have our party? I've successfully cut our guestlist from 231 to 150. Next step was cutting it enough so we could have the party in my mom's backyard. So then it went from 150 to 104. Then we were told even 50 people is a tight squeeze in her backyard, so I was forced to cut once again. So now... the official number, including hurt feelings and even family being cut, is 70. SEVENTY people is our bare minimum. Yikes! So now that I can't cut it any further, I'm still left with the question: where the heck are we going to have our wedding???

I'm not overwhelmed with the seating chart, matching my shoes perfectly with my dress, selecting my bridal party, or even planning our honeymoon. I am simply overwhelmed with the fact that I can't find a place that won't cost me thousands of dollars just to throw a party.

Wahhhh.

Sisters

I'm so lucky to have these amazing girls in my life! Each one of them enriches me in different ways... they all make me laugh, cry, and love like crazy. I'm so glad we have our lives to share together :)

Rose Gold

Today's obsession:

These rose-gold toned watches! My man bought me an awesome Fossil watch for my birthday that I wear all the time! It's white, so it goes well with most things. The rose-gold will be a little trickier to match, but I'm up for the challenge! Hope this one lands on my wrist for, say, Valentine's Day??

I dig the square fellow on the bottom :)

My Obsession

Blogging is always so enticing to me. Yet I never EVER do it! I am obsessed with people who update their blog often... it gives me something to do on my lunch break other than Facebook. As far as updating mine? Psh! When I find time....

So for now: what I'm currently obsessed with.

BRC Burritos from El Pollo Loco. My pregnancy has been nothing close to smooth (and I'm just barely 6 weeks!) and my diet has consisted of yogurt, carrots, bananas, oranges, and crackers. Lots of crackers. I'm so grateful I have begun craving things that actually make my tummy feel better. BRC is a God-send and I swear if the El Pollo Loco across the street from my house had a drive-thru, I'd probably be there a couple times a day!